


you try so hard, you get so far

by shotgun_sammy



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Nightmares, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Sad, Sammy is Depressed, Sammy isn't in love with Ben but Ben is falling in love with Sammy, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:08:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25244428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotgun_sammy/pseuds/shotgun_sammy
Summary: Ben was a friend.Jack wasn't replaceable.But sometimes, Ben was a lot like Jack.And that's why Sammy always unwillingly found his head turning away from his smiling cohost- and best friend's- face.
Relationships: Ben Arnold & Sammy Stevens, Ben Arnold/Sammy Stevens
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	you try so hard, you get so far

Sammy has to look away when Ben laughs, even if he is laughing just as hard.

Not a conscious decision, really, but a protective front put up by his brain's natural instinct. Ben's laugh rang bells that were just a few tings away from sounding just like the bells Sammy always swore Jack carried in his chest. Jack laughed from the heart, the lungs when he got carried away. Ben did too. Jack would get too carried away and lean against Sammy to steady himself until his laughter would stop. And Ben, it seemed, the same. Lily's claims about Ben being a 'new Jack' were complete bullshit. Nothing could replace Jack.

And Sammy, quite frankly, was sure that he didn't even harbour romantic feelings for his friend. Maybe. Years and years of pushing your own sexuality away, even right next to your fiancé.. it confuses your love receptors. Everything is too much and too little all at once. Too vague.

Ben was a friend.  
Jack wasn't replaceable.

But sometimes, Ben was a lot like Jack.  
And that's why Sammy always unwillingly found his head turning away from his smiling cohost- and best friend's- face.

Ben became acutely aware of it, for the first time, during one of his many rodent related rants. A few too many throws of the term 'garbage-bears', a few too many witty comebacks from his host, and a well timed commercial break that led to a laughing fit from the both of them. That was the first time, while slumped against Sammy's side and glancing up at him with the biggest grin, that Ben noticed him deliberately looking away from him. From that point, he would always check, and sure enough, Sammy would always look away when he laughed. Part of it had always expanded the curiosity that Ben had for Sammy's mysterious past, yet never did he stop to question. Sammy was a 'talk when you're ready, even if that means never' type, and even if Ben was the complete opposite, he deeply respected that mindset and way of processing.

But maybe, just maybe, Ben _wanted_ Sammy to look at him when he laughed. Not just glance off with a look that made Ben feel like he had accidentally stepped on a puppy's paw.

And naturally, Ben starts noticing more times when Sammy looks away. There are a whole lot. When Ben laughs. When Ben gets worked up about.. god, anything. When Ben gestures his hands a bit too excitedly while talking. When Ben talks about, or at least tries to talk about, sports. When the pin dropped and he knew about Jack, when the world stopped and the episode of Wright On! where Lily called him 'new Jack' aired, Ben finally understood. He didn't want to assume, after all, you know the saying. Assuming makes you both look like idiots. But it was so obvious in the way that Lily spoke that it hid some truths. 'New Jack' not so necessarily, but the concept checked out.

But Ben didn't mind. Ben really did want Sammy to look at him. It wasn't just runoff from wanting to love Emily, it was an easy trail to follow back to the way too big heart Betty Arnold had raised her son with. Her son who was in incredible bisexuality denial until a fling in highschool with town bear, Ron Begley. And now he really wanted this not-so-new-anymore guy to just look at him without hurting. Just once.

When Sammy got back from his attempt at the devil’s doorstep, that was when Ben noticed it start to change.

The first night, Sammy insisted on sleeping in the living room instead of the guest room- He was a bit too disoriented and quiet too explain why, but Ben had come to learn Sammy’s mindset pretty well and figured it was probably some mix of not wanting to be a burden and not wanting to sleep in a new bed by himself. Again. So he let him, no questions asked, despite gently reminding Sammy here and there that there was an extra bedroom ready for him whenever he may want it. Sammy couldn’t even shut his eyes that night, and neither could Ben. He had been through his friend’s highs and the recent lows, but nothing could have prepared him for getting a phone call after his friend basically just tried to kill himself and then having to listen to him give up again on the drive back. Hearing the pain, the shake in Sammy’s voice. Hearing the way he was so willing to sit there and let the rainbow lights, the UFO take him. Right after trying to join Jack past the gate, in whatever hell he was in. It haunted Ben. Not necessarily in a traumatic way, but a very sad one. And one that made him feel so bad about letting Sammy suffer alone for so long, despite the fact that he could have had no idea what Sammy’s life was like. Ben didn’t blame him, though. Sammy had really gone through some shit. Some shit that Ben went through right in front of him and came out of alive and okay with his girlfriend still by his side.

The next couple nights were rough too, but significantly better. Sammy managed to get a couple hours of sleep each night, which was absolutely an improvement on no sleep at all. Night four is where it went downhill. It had seemed like the nightly routine they were both starting to fall into- They eat dinner together (Sammy didn’t have much of an appetite, but Ben pushed him to eat regardless. He knew Sammy was in a bad place, but food is important!) and watch a movie or a couple episodes of a TV show, then get ready for bed, and watch another movie until Sammy passes out halfway through. Ben turns off the TV and heads to his own room to talk to Emily and then sleep. The end. A normal night. But it wasn’t. The hours ticked on, and Ben found himself waking up to Sammy screaming bloody murder. It wasn’t unexpected, per say, but definitely shocking nonetheless. Ben scrambled out immediately to come check on Sammy, and found the older man writhing in his sleep, sobbing, terrified. It hurt to see, and brought up the feelings that Ben had slowly been growing towards his friend. As Ben rushed to his side to shake him awake, he muttered various variations of ‘it’s okay, sammy, you’re okay, sammy, it’s alright, sammy’. Before Ben knew it, Sammy was hugging onto him, tight.

Sammy poured his feelings out to Ben last night- what he saw. What he _felt_. The emotions he was going through, and had been going through for a long time. And Ben did what he could do best when it came to comfort- He threw in reassurances, genuine advice, gentle smiles, and jokes to try and pick up Sammy’s mood a little bit. Comfort through humour, as they had started doing during the weirder parts of their career.

Ben could see Sammy look at him that night. His eyes never left his face, not for a second. And with the comfort, while _looking at Ben_ , Ben was sure that he could see Sammy giving him a look that translated his own thoughts back. Ben wanted to be looked at by Sammy. Sammy wanted to look at Ben.

And maybe, now, they could look and be looked at.

They both hoped so.


End file.
